Why I Don't Want You to Read My Book

Today, one of my closest friends in the whole wide world asked to see some of what I’ve written. I was surprised (slightly) by my reaction: I didn’t want to let her.

That may sound really silly because, here I am, throwing caution to the wind and spending ALL of my time writing this book that will hopefully (please God I beg you…) be published one day and that STRANGERS will be able to read if they just pay a few bucks for it.

So why didn’t I want my dearest, darlingest friend — whom I will divulge all of my deepest, darkest secrets to — to read a few pages of my book?

Because it’s vulnerable.

I’m scared to let people read my work because it feels like I’m ripping out a chunk of my heart and handing it over to you. And I’m not even being overdramatic here (OK, maybe a little bit…)

But here’s the thing: what if she HATES it? And then she has to say something to me…right? Or else she has to lie about it. That’s awkward.

I’ve realized that I’m desperately afraid of failure. I’m afraid that my family, my friends, my peers will all think that I’ve failed if my book doesn’t get published or if it’s not a “success” (whatever that means!) Almost on a daily basis, I hear people telling me about how difficult it is to get published or how hard of an industry this is to break into, etcetera etcetera. My own insecurities, along with people’s doom-saying, combine to form (in my mind) a book-eating monster with my favorite characters dangling from its teeth.

So this is what, out of sheer necessity, I’ve decided: I’m not going to let my insecurities or the possibility of failure hold me back from doing something I’m passionate about. So what if it’s a hard industry to break into? I’ll just try harder.

More than failure, I fear that I will back away from my dreams because I’m not willing to be rejected. It’s just a reality that at some point, all of us will fall on our faces or someone will tell us that we’re not good enough. But hopefully that will push us to be better.

When I entered into my graduate writing program at the University of Tampa, I had never had my work critiqued by anyone aside from my closest family members (i.e., Tyler, mom and dad. That’s it.) Needless to say, I was pretty intimidated. To top it all off, my assigned mentor was born and raised in the former Soviet Union, which was the setting of my novel (at the time). When it came time for my workshop critique, I was (quite literally) shaking in my boots. And you know what happened? The worst. He picked apart every single little thing in my writing. What I had written was completely unrealistic and he didn’t hold back.

My UT MFA workshop group in January

At the end of his critique, he said, “You’ve got two options: you can become an expert in Soviet history and write this story from a completely accurate perspective OR you can create your own fictional world where you can write about the same themes and characters but you won’t have to stick to the historical facts.”

This might sound surprising, but I felt liberated. I had faced — and lived through — the worst possible scenario in my mind. (Alright, there was one situation I envisioned where he ripped up my manuscript and told me that it was disgraceful that I was permitted entrance to the program. But aside from that…)

This situation pushed me to be a better writer. And my hope and prayer is that whatever obstacles come up in my writing journey, that I will face them with determination and courage. I know that at some point I will “fail” in some way, shape or form. But I’m resolved to NOT fail in one way: I will not let the fear of failure keep me from pursuing my passion of writing.

What’s a fear that you have faced that you have either overcome or are still struggling to overcome? Feel free to share with me in the comments!

Dream Jobs: Where Do You Land?

I’m currently in a stage of life along with many of my peers where we’re trying to figure out what we want to do with the rest of our lives.

In general, I would say that we fit into three categories:

1. The Stalemate

These are the people who have sort of “stalled” because they either don’t know what they want to do with their lives OR they have been discouraged from pursuing their “dream” job, and so they’re essentially hanging around until…someone gives them permission to pursue a particular path.

Oftentimes, this is where we find ourselves because we’ve been given SO many choices that it actually paralyzes us rather than enables us. It’s like being at restaurant where they have a 20-page menu. No matter what you choose, you always feel like maybe you would have been happier if you had just chosen…

You get the point.

2. The Responsible Ones

These are the people who are in careers that are not their “dream” jobs, but they’re doing well and making money and maybe they’re happy.

Sometimes, the responsible ones are silently miserable, doing their duties and not sure where to turn.

Other times, the responsible ones are working in their not-so-dreamy jobs but are using these jobs as a platform for doing what they really want to be doing. For example, perhaps you don’t really care for your job, but it does allow you to travel a lot. Or it pays the bills so that you can have a band on the side.

3. The Dreamers

And then there are those people who are pursuing their “dream” jobs. These are the people who may be working in a field that is not within their dream field, but their spare time is spent playing at every gig they can find, or filming and editing videos or researching graduate programs, etc. Or maybe they left their home state and moved to New York City, where they meet every single doorman at every single theatre so that they can get a stage managing job (shout out, Kristi Hess!)

What’s interesting to me, is that a lot of times this minority of people are the ones that are scoffed at, ridiculed and discouraged from their dreams. I’m not 100% sure why that is, but I have a few theories: one is that we have a certain list of “acceptable” dream jobs (doctor, nurse, lawyer, dentist, actuary (?!) and so on) and if your job does not fit on that list, we don’t know what to do with you. The second is that we are jealous. We want to be free to pursue our dream job, but we’re not. So we’ll take it out on you. I have to confess that I have been guilty of these things.

Now, these are ALL over-generalizations. Most of my friends/peers do not fit nicely into these three categories and most of society does not fit into my two-part list/jealousy theory. Like I said, it’s a theory.

In this blog over the next few days (or weeks, however long it takes) I’m going to be writing about something that is very close to my heart: pursuing your passion. I have been in all three stages that I listed: I have certainly been in the stalemate. I have attempted to be the responsible one. And now I am trying to be a part of that third group of people. For better or for worse, I'm putting all of my “eggs” in one proverbial basket.

I want to be a writer.

There, I said it. (How very audacious of me!) And now, I’m doing something about it. I'm very, very far from having figured this whole thing out (and I probably never will "arrive", whatever that means) but I hope that you will join me on this journey and that you will share with me your own struggles and triumphs for finding and pursuing YOUR passion.